Let’s unearth the homophobic beliefs that may be lurking behind the scenes within our consciousness so we can release them, heal, and make new choices that align with our Authentic Self, Love, and Truth.
I am a same-sex twin within a same-sex union. Today, I specifically direct this article to those of you out there who are same-sex twins. In the event that you are struggling with one of the main blocks that I struggled with for years (homophobia), I have some insight to share that may be of particular importance on your twin flame journey.
I grew up in a rural town, where conformity was almost considered a necessity of survival. To conform meant that you followed the rules of convention presented to you in church, at school, within your family, community, and peers. Sure a little rebellion or non-conformity was allowed (although not without the look of disapproval), but in general most people stayed within the norm to fit in and be accepted. Maybe this was uniquely my experience, but for the sake of the article, let’s just assume that the pressure to conform was rather high for those in my environment. To stand out meant facing criticism, rebuke, rejection, and ridicule. I was quite certain by the age of 14 that being homosexual was unnatural. We simply were not designed for sex with those that had the same body parts and doing so was an abomination. It was a sin that was so deplorable in the eyes of God, that perhaps, entire Sodom and Gomorrah’s were obliterated because of their infestation of homosexuals. I had absorbed the beliefs that sexuality that did not follow the heterogeneous pattern were choices that individuals made in defiance of their nature, in defiance of God and how they were created. I was told and repeated things like, “love the sinner, hate the sin” and “It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
I was unconscious of my own homosexuality, but aware that I was non-conforming to gender roles and expectations. I efforted a great deal within my preferences of self-expression to still meet the expectations for what was accepted. When people called me names, I remember thinking that they just didn’t know what they were talking about because I was not a "dike" or a "lesbian" or "gay". I was just me.
As time passed and my crushes on women and other girls came to my attention, I was eventually able to see that I did in fact like girls. <cognitive dissonance enters stage left>
It took time, an awesome group of friends, a support group, and a few open-minded adults to assist me in accepting the nature of my sexuality and to encourage me out-of-the-closet. I jumped right out-of-the-closet. But, I never fully released the old beliefs...they jumped out with me. I lived as a lesbian, but would notice others being uncomfortable around me. I experienced rejection and ridicule by others. I would see homophobia everywhere I would go and would get so angry and self-righteous about judging the judgy-homophobes. I did not feel 100% comfortable holding my girlfriend's hand in public, and would agree to keep my relationships secret from family members, etc. When one of my most co-dependent and intense relationships culminated in inevitable destruction, I was left devastated. I convinced myself that the reason it never worked out with any of my lesbian relationships (and why they were so volatile) was because they were just not right. And the not-rightness was related to the fact that the relationships were between two females (and not any other obvious factors).
I decided to move back to my rural town of origin, and since there were no lesbians of interest there, I was comfortably single for a while. After a few months, I started spending a lot of time with a guy friend of mine. And for the next few years, regardless of my openness about I preferring women, I dated a few guys. I noticed that I did not worry about what others thought about us dating (what was there to judge? ...just a wholesome heterogeneous couple). I moved in with a boyfriend that I had been dating for some time and we got pregnant. I decided that the next obvious step was marriage, so when he proposed I said “...yes.” <cognitive dissonance enters stage right>
A few days later, I panicked and gave back the ring. It felt horrible because I cared for this man. We had our baby, separated, I had a fling with a woman and then went back to him. I did this three times. I finally realized that as much as I was trying to make it work with him, that I was doing it at the expense of being my authentic self. I made a choice to end our relationship and be single, committed to loving myself and embracing my authentic self. I loved him enough to let him go, and I loved myself enough to finally figure out what was the source of my confusion.
During this time of introspection I was finally able to clearly see that what had plagued me for so long, in the background of my consciousness, was homophobia and self-rejection. I had never allowed myself the experience of validation and acceptance in my relationship to God and Self. I thought I had, but I had not. I had judged myself. The world projected around me reflected my own fears related to homosexuality. I still thought of myself as different and unnatural. I was still uncomfortable with a part myself and not accepting myself 100%. This is what happens when we mistake ourselves for our creator, rather than seeing ourselves correctly as the creation of the perfect Creator. I am a creation of God, perfectly made, and the part of myself that I was rejecting, was a part of God's creation. God never rejected me, that is not the nature of God, the rejection was only in my mind. The acceptance was always in my spirit. <cognitive dissonance exits stage>
If this resonates with you, then take some time to heal in this area. Self-rejection can be healed. Align your mind with the Truth. The experience of rejection has only been a lesson bringing to your awareness the gift of self-acceptance...the gift of knowing your own value, your own worth as a creation of God.
This quote from Max Lucado seems appropriate, “You weren’t an accident. You weren’t mass produced. You aren’t an assembly line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on the earth by the Master Creator.” I propose that you undertake the work of healing the trauma related to your mistaken rejection of Self as a perfect creation of God. God wants you to know yourself as the perfectly created, appreciated and adored you that you are.
It is God’s will for you to be your Authentic Self and to co-create according to the divine inspiration and desires that come to you from God. Your sexuality is a product of your Union, is an aspect of the unique Life Purpose of your Union; and therefore, is perfect and divinely designed. Choose to release all criticism and judgement of yourself. Choose to embrace yourself as perfect and whole just as you are. Choose to love yourself and others during their time of cognitive dissonance, when beliefs contradict core truth. Choose to love and appreciate the courage and integrity that you share when living a life of authenticity. You are a light to your own inner child and to others, guiding them to the home vibration. God has created us perfectly and we are loved and adored by God.